STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Every. Damn. Time.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait