Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?