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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
why am I working on Labor Day
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?