Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
What is going on? 😅
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.