SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You Might Also Like
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me sliding into hell like
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.