A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
The 6 types of sex
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
PARKOUR
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”