DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
You Might Also Like
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Perfect.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
my sentiments exactly
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
at ease…shoulder.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal