“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Canadian owl: Eh?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
FRED: right
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?