went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
A friend helps you before you need it
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*