*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem