Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Black Friday “markdowns” like
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.