They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
LMAO
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it