Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The symmetry is uncanny.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot