Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.