Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher