me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
How your email finds me
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: