Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..