Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.