I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
bout dat hot dog summer
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
peep davidson
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
the three branches of government
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.