I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
You Might Also Like
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”