He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Spring cleaning checklist…
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence