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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad