*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
called in thicc to work this morning
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.