*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I put the mess in domestic.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Respect
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Cool shirt 🙂
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first