Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop