[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell