I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*