detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.