Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
You Might Also Like
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The photographer’s assistant
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.