Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Happy Thanksgiving
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Thrilling chase underway
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today