* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
You Might Also Like
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
$3 #books
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN