Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.