2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You Might Also Like
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks