there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.