me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
You Might Also Like
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…