This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*