I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
#growingpains
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
calling in to work dehydrated
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.