My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
we all know this pain all too well
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Fight
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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