Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.