[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.