I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Pigeon open mic night.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Autocorrect completely socks
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.