Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it鈥檚 the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don鈥檛 worry, I鈥檒l release the torture squirrels next month
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
was Jim off killing horses or…
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
john denver: 馃幍life is old there. older than the trees.馃幎
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 馃幍younger than the mountains馃幎
me: oh not that old then.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn鈥檛 like my boyfriend? 馃檮
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Left at a local drug store…
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?