(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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Meeeee too!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.