Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Happy Taco Tuesday
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Breaking news:
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.