I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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Extremely relatable.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
But is it really??
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Pretty much! 😂👀
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now