[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You Might Also Like
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Whoa… oh I see lol
They must have gotten it to go.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
#growingpains
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.