I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
i wish i could marry a nap
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what