Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio