“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The news in a nutshell.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.