I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.